With my eyes wide open!

No more dreams, No more illusions. Embracing it all with my eyes and arms wide open...............

Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai...

Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
bas chal raha na iss ghadi


Only love can make you feel so helpless, so out of control, yet so much in control. Only love can keep this calm demeanor while destroying the sense of right and wrong. 


Snatch or Leave - the ultimate dilemma of the forlorn lover. Corrupted thoughts of the crimson joy, no control over urges. Every meeting is like the first one, the excitement of discovering, the passion of knowing, and the tease of hiding. The more we feel, the deeper we fall in the abyss of loss.


But I see the light, oh so bright! This blinding light is overpowering the senses, consuming the norms and showing the way. The light of the inner self uniting us for eternity, with no will to possess or own, just love. 








"If love is only a will to possess, it is not love".

Back in the 'purple-ness' of life

What is about this room, that makes me feel so much at peace, so comfortable. The familiarity of the lavender walls, the warmth of the purple curtains, and I know I am in a secure territory. Within the confines of these four walls I do not have to worry about what we call the 'real world'.

Stepping back in time, I am reliving the sweet smell of all my books (that I have read over and over again), the glow of the light bulbs that I painted myself, cuddling up with all the furry companions of 24 yrs.

Even though my own home is a reflection partly of my personality, this room is an amalgamation of different facets of my life while growing up. A place that I can always come back to, a place that will always welcome me with open arms.

Talking to a friend from US about the closeness and warmth between family members in India, I realized the sense of security that gets instilled, knowing that you will always have this strong support system. A part of this room's security stems from that strong bond.

I feel lucky to have the value system that my parents have passed on to me, its like the 'Miyagi' effect, can't remember how and when I embraced these values. While growing up I never realized how these values and emotions would support me in every step that I take in my life, and would influence every decision that I take.

 A part of growing up has involved leaving home, finding my own true home, facing the unknown and embracing responsibilities. But in this room I will always remain the little girl, splashing colors around, lost in a world of my own. 

Reverse Gear!

White was my dress,as were my feelings, naive and pristine! The yellow flowers reflecting the warmth and cheerfulness. I had not looked back for so long, and it looks so distant, yet so near. The reverse gear that put me in the reverse mode. 

What have I lost, not my smile most definitely. Its my tears, pearls that glistened my eyes, happy times or sad, reminding me of the connection. Today, even with the memories so close and clear they don't leave my eyes. My vision does not get hazy, but the flutter in my heart is replaced by a burden, a deep rooted pain.

It gives me shivers, as if I am frozen to that spot. Looking from above, observing the mistakes, yet not able to do anything to make them undone!  When I got in then, I was not aware, and all I had to say was Stop! All I had to do was put the first gear, to move on!

Confessions of a shopaholic!

Why is it always so difficult to make these choices! Argh!

A friend who is holidaying in London sweetly asked me if I wanted anything. I promptly said No (for reasons you will understand as you read along), she too was taken aback, but signed off with a let me know in case u think of something! Well, I thought I could ask her to get me a dress, the maxi is back in fashion. So I went online to sites well visited, and started to look for the perfect maxi dress, not too flowy, not too clingy! And yes, I did find one, but then just for the "heck of it", I thought let me check the other sections. A grave mistake, a mistake made too often, and then all hell broke loose. Look at that jumpsuit, it is just so nice, would look so great with those heels, and that sling bag. Soon enough I was in the virtual dressing room, trying out various combinations, from cardigans, to dresses, to shorts, to jackets! And no prizes for guessing, the simple 'maxi dress shopping expedition' turned to an armful load (cart load in the virtual world, to be more specific) of shorts, dresses, coats et al. 

A decade ago!

Things as they were 10 years ago-

1) School, Std XI, the most important things at that point were studying, sports, boys, gossip, telephone (the good old fixed landline), and not in the same order

2) I was much thinner

3) The real world seemed like a distant future

4) There were no mobiles for school going students

5) I did not know most of the people who now are an integral part of my life

6) A lot of my current acquaintances were my best friends

7) ICQ was the only social network available

8) I could fill my wardrobe in just Rs. 1000/-

9)  "A Dance Party" was such an exciting concept

10) Delhi Roads had literally no traffic

God! I feel ancient

You had me at Hello!

Don't you sometimes wonder, if it really happens that 2 strangers meet, and they feel a connection between them, and not only is it completely unexpected, it is absolutely beautiful!

Can two people just randomly meet by fate, and each has an innate "knowing" that this is it? Do these scenarios really end up with a happy ending?

It does happen in real life, you meet someone and later you realize it was meant to be. Gradually you see how the universe conspired so that your paths cross! ah, it is so cinematic...life is but a dream!

Laagi tumse mann ki lagan, lagan laagi tumse mann ki lagan


Sitting in an aircraft, listening to him hum the tune and a smile curves your lips and you start humming the song too...and then you chide yourself, "hey I have just met him!"

Listening to the song, sitting next to him while he drives us back home, brings back the same smile, the flutter and the warmth it did 5 years back!

I peer at him, the holy fire lighting up his face, blinking back my tears of joy, and he can't help but smile...a smile that says " You had me at hello".

The black beads, the color red signifying the bond that was meant to be created! You just had me at hello!

Under the microscope! Layers of our life....

While clearing out a lot of junk from my hard drive today, I found a story that I had started to write 3 years back, a romantic story (maybe because of the overdose of romance in my brain!). I thought I will finish it but my fingers were hesitating to type. The voice inside me that gave me words and expressions, was awfully silent!


The voice gave direction to my thoughts and words, be it penning down in my diary, my daily interactions with my friends and family, a friendly discussion about politics, or a heated argument with someone! So why was it silent?


I realized that its because there are a hundred things around me that I was ignoring because of my own personal humdrum. In the course I was ignoring the little voice in me too! And well, like me it has a mind of it own and short temper too (it seems), and decided to abandon me till I realize its absence.


Its strange really, how we are stuck in our own petty dramas. And I am speaking about most people I have seen around me in Delhi. Few will pretend to care, but forget the real cause in the drive to become too big themselves. Some will just ignore it like a fly buzzing in the background score.


Off lately so much has been happening in the world, Be it Egypt, Libya, Tunisia, and the commonality between them is the demographic that is driving these revolutions.


As educated youth of one of the biggest democracies, there is so much that we can do. However, around me here, there seems to be a lack of passion and drive, and the personal goals and problems seem to have taken front seat!


The rampant corruption and shocking scandals involving every possible powerful entity  of the country elicits at max a cynical 'This is India, This is the system".

Leap of Faith! or is it now a Reversal

I am down with Viral, and the solitude has given me so much time to think about the past few events of life, and how they have changed my outlook towards life and people. Since last year, there has been so much drama, and so many changes of note. But what is most important is that I have managed to live up to the promise I made to myself, to be happy no matter what. To not let, small portions of my life affect the more important and bigger ones!

Happy and Positive outlook towards life harbors so much positive energy and I have started to notice the difference. The old sunshine, the old spark is finally beginning to return at its original form.

The past has seen a lot, but there is a positive note in that. The realization of true friendship has given me the clarity of who would stand close to me, holding me up strongly, and who would turn their back and pass judgement.

The encounter with murky secrets and the true face of someone so very close sometimes ends up scaring you and making you feel very insecure about your decision taking ability. But then all I can say was that I was a fool to ignore the signs. I guess being the out-and out optimist I had hoped that the signs were wrong and my heart was right. Alas!

The fickleness of relationships sometimes makes me wonder, if I put my trust in people too fast, or too much. But the thought of becoming someone else also scares me. Well, I guess its a leap of faith, every time you meet someone new and make them a part of your life. But will I be able to do it all over again?

Great Expectations!!

Is it possible to love someone who violates every single one of your virtues or beliefs? Do we ever love unconditionally? Worship, Love , Adulation , Exaltation - take up any form and it will have its limitation. Even the purest form would have a sub-conscious expectation. Ah! the great expectations we have from life and our loved ones.

So then how does one love "beyond reason, beyond promise"?

Leaving Footprints behind!

Just got back from a paath ceremony kept in a close one's memory,  and my mind is a whirlwind of feelings at the moment. We take the existence of many people in our life for granted, but in a moment before you realise what happened, they are gone. These people then stay alive in your life as a memory.

This makes one wonder if things are really in our control. There are very few people, who are content with their lives. Some want more money, some more love, some more time, some more peace. We all are striving to reach our own personal goals, fulfill our passions, satisfy our ambitions.  There are times when dissatisfaction creeps in, and we question the universe why a certain thing was meant in my fate. But the almighty has it all planned out, not everyone gets everything, and even who according to us get everything are not happy with what they have. We all want some more from life.

While sitting in the paath, my mind felt so much at peace, I had not felt so in days, even months. The grief somehow dissolved in the beautiful couplets that taught us the meaning of life. God has given each one of us something special, we just need to identify it. I feel more stronger, beautiful and passionate, and all these feelings originate from the feeling of closesness with the greater one.

But having said all that, I coudn't help but wonder, if everything around me is whizzing past too fast, or am I spinning on my orbit too quickly. I will not be here tomorrow, but there would be memories that I would leave behind. The path of my life may not entirely be in my hands, but what I can do is to make sure that I leave fond and impactful memories with people I meet in my life.

A whiff of Davidoff!

Yesterday I picked up the DVD of the movie 'Inception', one of the most thought -provoking movies I have seen so far. Ever since I saw the movie, I was waiting to own the DVD, pretty much like my obsession for Harry Potter. I am not a big fan of Sci-Fi movies, but this one grabbed my attention because apart from the awesome visuals, gripping screen play , it explores the psycho-physical nature of dreaming, one of my latest obsessions.

The movie is based on the concept of philosophical pragmatism, which bases its core on the concept that if there are consequences to what we believe then what we believe is true. Our perceptions then become the reality.

And what are our perceptions? They are grounded in the world that we live in, the things we see, touch, feel, hear and all this forms a fantastic concoction that becomes our core reality.

We are all dreamers, dreaming within dreams at times, like in the movie. But why is my dream unique to me, what is triggering this dream in my sub-conscious. Freud in his theories said that dreams are a manifestation of what the sub-conscious human mind desires and wants. Our dreams have symbolic representation of certain archetypes, that play pivotal roles in our lives. But are these sub-conscious archetypes affecting only our dreams, or our everyday lives. 

We move on in our lives, and change with each passing day, and our past memories get archived as we move along making new memories. But do they fade, or do they become a part of our dreams? It takes a whiff of Davidoff to conjure up our deepest desire to own and relive and recreate the past in our dreams. 

Life is but a dream?

"Oh! You can't help that", said the cat:" we are all mad here, you are mad, I am mad".
Over one of the most intriguing conversations that I have had in recent times, I started to wonder if my perception is really the reality. The fact that this conversation was held in the realm of intoxicity and a bizzare incident that I witnessed, during the revelry that engulfs the festival of colors, makes it even more peculiar. Witnessing someone's hallucinogenic perspective can be hilarious and at the same time causes you to stop and decipher the difference between what you percieve to be happening and what is really happening around you in the world, in simpler words the reality. "Reality" is an eccentric term, to each its their own collection of truths and perception. But, is reality my own idea and my own perception, or is there a world that exists beyond it. Why was it that what I saw as floor, was water to someone else? And how can I be sure in thinking that my knowledge is reality.
There have to be things that exist beyond our reality, only then we can justify the existence of mythological characters, unheard beasts, and other "weird things" that we all heard of in fairytales. How did the mind generate the idea to begin with?
Do we indulge in such fantasies to escape the reality, or do we chance upon some greater understanding while dreaming. Many a times I wake up, not knowing when the lines of reality and my dreams got blurred.
As Nietzsche says , our "will to truth" is concealed in "our will to ignorance" . We need to create meaning of life on our own, to survive the chaos and the madness that surrounds us.
But the meaning of life does not remain constant, as you descend futher in the abyss of life, the very foundations of life change, meeting new people, witnessing new incidents, all adds to the layers of our vivid personality.
I, like many others, do not like change, but I realise the oddity of this statement, as I find myself evolving and changing as a person, driven by my own passions, reflective of my own actions.
So my perception may not be the reality , but it is real for me, and its transitory in nature, changing with time, with me, making sense out of nonsense.